So life has been extremely crazy with school, a family, and the everyday things in life! I'm not going to lie it has been really hard!! Second semester is much faster than first. Not that I am surprised, I knew this journey wouldn't be an easy one. Before spring break I had lost my energy, my spark and my drive to be completely honest! I told my mom and aunt that if I didn't know for sure that I am where God wants me to be I'd quit!! Yes I said the word quit!! That was coming from a girl that was (still is) completely exhausted mentally and physically. It is hard to get up at 4 am for clinicals, have 5-6 hr clinicals, come home do paperwork, figure out supper, manage the boys homework and everything else. Then add the stress of finding enough quality time for studying!! There isn't as much down time to study this semester!! We have a lot going on in our personal life right now, that I haven't posted about, and at some point, I will but not now. I took spring break to try and unwind and get refocused. It worked somewhat. My sweet boys slept later than normal which allowed me to get some sleep and they played outside everyday because we had beautiful weather!! Praise the Lord!! However, I wasted a lot of time that I should have been focusing on school and studying for a test that I have coming up this week!! Of course, I had a lot of "beat" myself up time for not using my time wisely! I had people tell me that it was ok because I had to have some down time and relaxing time. As much as I need/want down time and relaxing time, there is no such thing in the life of a nursing student. I was reminded many times that I can't beat myself for the things that I didn't do but instead focus on the things that I can still do and make up for those things not done! It is great to have people that remind me of those things and encourage me and give me strength! However, in my head there is still the battle of should've, could've, would've!! And it is not fun to have that battle going on in my head! It is physically and mentally exhausting! I started praying really hard at the end of spring break, for God to give me the strength, courage, concentration and energy I need to complete this task that he has set before me. I know that he will give me what I need for this because he is the one that put me on this journey! I have complete confidence in God, but I always have that little devil sitting on my shoulder telling me the opposite! I have to tell the devil to get behind me, that my God is a BIG, LOVING God that will never leave me nor forsake me! This is the first week back since spring break and I can tell some difference. The confidence that I had lost before spring break is trying to break through again, I am able to focus a little more and I am reminding myself why I am on this journey! It is still a work in progress but I know that it is coming and that God will provide everything I need! I was getting ready for clinicals this morning and while I was surfing around on facebook, I was one of my fellow students talking about how she was exhausted and was thinking that she needed to look towards plan B for her life because she didn't think that she could do this anymore. Man, how I have thought that in the last two semesters but again, I had to tell the devil to get behind me, because I know that was him trying to get me down and make me second guess myself. So another fellow student posted a response to the first students response and man did it really hit home! It made me sit there for a minute and really think about what he said! It was breath taking. Here is what his response was:
It doesn't get any better. It will get worse. Clinical instructors will be meaner, material will be more difficult, and clinical days and paperwork nights will push us to (and maybe over) the edge...... Jesus didn't quit. Took a beating, took ridicule, got killed....... didn't quit. Now, it all that wasn't his idea (let this cup pass, but not my will be done but yours), nor did he feel secure throughout (my God, my God, why has thou forsaken me), but he finished. It was God's plan for him, he knew it would hurt, he knew it would be hard, but though faith and love he did what his father asked of him. Look in the mirror, God has brought you to this point, he has not forsaken you, he will not leave you. Focus on him. Do not let the enemy distract you with these feelings. You are God's precious child and you have work to do for him. Don't quit, don't quit.....
All I can say is WOW!!! God is at work in my life and my fellow students!! God knew that I needed to hear that and put it where I would find it this morning! What a great thing to remember and think about!! He is right, it is really hard and it isn't going to get easier until we graduate and pass boards but I know that we all will do it and do great!!! Thank each one of your for your thoughts, prayers, words of encouragement and love through this journey, I wouldn't be able to do it without all of that! I am blessed to have great support from friends and family. I love each and everyone of you and thank God for my blessings through ya'll!!
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